I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest