You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
next level snooze
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”