me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My last name is Zilla.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*