Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
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Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.