I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
no their not
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?