GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Not messing around
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.