*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.