The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.