Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Netflix and scream at our children?!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?