9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here