Lmao
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.