It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know