Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
felt cute might bury dad later idk
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Flowers bee like
BaD BoY!!
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”