store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Who knew!
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.