Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*