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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.