if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
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Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.