me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.