I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
groan^2
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
We found love in a hopeless place.
*bites zombie*
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.