Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
and this one
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.