[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.