The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her