Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.