Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.