Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.