[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us