My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Super Hand Dog Face
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.