CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
wtf is an acronym
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.