Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
#CatsOnTwitter
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.