Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I don’t get marriage
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”