My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.