Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.