Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Pretty much. 🤣
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.