philosophical skeletons be like
You Might Also Like
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Thursday
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*