Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.