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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye