if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie