Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
We’ve come full circle
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Bringing home a sharpie
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Netflix and you sit over there.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?