Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
You Might Also Like
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.