Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Just me?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.