I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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couldn’t resist
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
peak technology
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.