Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.