My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali