“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My what?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.