The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Finally!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.