Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
This is not me but this is me
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.