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#FireSomeonePolitely
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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”