Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.