me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’m too immature for adultery.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.