Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.